Friday, November 8, 2013

Shit I don't miss:

Shit I don't miss:

Show up. Roll call. Suit up. JMPI. Wait. Wait. Wait. Piss. Hours pass. Wait. Wait. Wait. Don't keep the Air Force waiting. Wait. Wait. Wait. Okay. Shuffle out like penguins across the tarmac, rucksack bouncing on your knees. Engine wash blasting in your face, hot and loud. I hope America appreciates this (huh?). Climb the ramp. Sit down like sardines. Close the ramp. Engines scream. Takeoff. Positive G's. Bladder screams. Heat and noise. Claustrophobia. Flying nap-of-the-earth. Forever. Someone pukes. Smell it. Be it. Wait. Forever. Wait some more. Dehydration headache. Altitude now. Jumpmaster looks out the door. Shit. OUTBOARD PERSONNEL STAND UP! Poor bastards. INBOARD PERSONNEL STAND UP! Fuck; that's me. HOOK UP! Bend the wire. CHECK STATIC LINES-AAAAAAH! SOUND OFF FOR EQUIPMENT CHECK! (Okay! Okay! Okay! All okay Jumpmaster!). Forever of sound and fury. ONE MINUTE! (Shit). THIRTY SECONDS! (Fuck!). STAND IN THE DOOR! (wait for it). (wait for it). GO! Thump of boots on aluminum. Shuffle forward assholes and elbows. Hand off static line, don't hesitate, step off, prop wash, blazing light, heat, wind, spin. Opening shock! Spine compressed, wind knocked out, balls pressed (FUCK)! Check canopy. Ride out the twists in the risers like the Tour de France. Snap. All good. Look out for other jumpers. Slip away. Look below. Trees! Rocks! Fucking rebar sticking up! Turn and slip away! Crab into the wind. Here we go. Coming up fast. Feet and knees together. Drop your ruck. Snap! Spin. Feet and knees together! Ruck on the ground. Feet and knees together! Look to the horizon. Breathe! Breathe! Here we go: Ooomf! Okay, shit. Getting dragged. Release a riser. Stopped. Deep breath. Pull rifle from carrying case, put into action. Sling it. Gather up chute. Fucking clown show. Dump in kit bag. Ruck up. Heave kit bag over head. Shit. Find rally point. Stumble there. Forever. Done.


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